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[dyaddyissues]

"you've reached kylo ren. leave a message. or don't."

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[dyaddyissues]

I think I was in love with you the second in the forest. I knew, the second you disarmed me on Starkiller.

[ And even more so after Rey had slashed his face open. He's never wanted her dead, never wanted her anything but who she is. Once Kylo believed that he could teach her, make her his own. But she's never had need to learn from him, not in any way. Rey was radiant, powerful and somehow had never fallen to the very thing he once did despite all the hardship she'd endured.

He'd been wrong then. Too stubborn and set in his ways, unable to meet in the middle but perhaps it simply hadn't been the time. And now this knowledge hangs over head like a dark cloud. It would always be there, no matter how much time they stayed.

Well, then they'd simply have to make the best use of the time they had. Her sadness leaks through to his side of the bond, and Kylo cups her chin to meet his eyes. ]

We have what we need, here and now.

[jedied]

It's not enough.

[ Her eyes are still wet with tears, but she doesn't waver in the ferocity of her statement. She'll never forgive the Force for what it's done to them, even if they get years here. Especially if they do; how cruel to suffer this place in order to have more time with each other. ]

You deserved better. I deserved better. What's the point of being a dyad in the Force if the Force was always going to take one of us away?

[ She'd been resigned to it being her, all this time. She'd made peace with it being her. It would have been her if not for the choice he'd made, and she's still a little angry at him for that. ]

[dyaddyissues]

Will it ever be enough, Rey? Even if we spend a whole lifetime here? [ It's cruel, he's aware of it. But he's been prepared for the idea that one of them would have to die. By the other's hand, or other circumstances, and he knew that it was far more likely to be him.

He's almost accepted his fate.

Almost. ]

I don't know what you believe I deserve, but you may be in the minority in that case. You and I both know the things I've done -- and if my mother is as dead as you say, I'd be looking at a prison cell, exile or an executioner's blade were I to make it out of the war.

[ Kylo sighs, thumbing her tears away. ]

I don't want to tell you to let me go, or not to dwell on it. But I refuse to watch you lose yourself to the fear that you'll lose me. That same fear lead my grandfather to becoming Vader - I can't watch you make the same mistakes he did.

[jedied]

[ His words make her cry harder and she shakes her head furiously raging against the truth of them. ]

I don't care. I want a whole lifetime with you, even here. I want us to be happy for once in our lives. Can you say you have been, ever? Really?

[ She had been a few time in her memory, but not nearly enough to have ever gotten used to the emotion. ]

Things are bad here, but people keep making little pockets of life for themselves. I want cookies and hot cocoa and as many days together as we have left here, and no, it'll never be enough. I still want it.